i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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