Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
