My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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