Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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