I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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