Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
