Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
