You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
