don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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