I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
