I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
