no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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