I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
