had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
