I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
