I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
