I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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