the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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