you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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