She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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