Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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