I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
