he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
