Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
