I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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