I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
