seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think people are normalizing furries
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
