whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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