one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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