Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
