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He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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