My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
