Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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