I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
