In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
