On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
