Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
