Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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