Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
