I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
