life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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