that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
