I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
