I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
