I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We named our party play list daddy issues
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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