I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
