When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
