the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
