I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
