someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
