soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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