I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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