life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
