You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
