Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
