My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I did not marry a roomba.
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