are you still at the devil's house?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
