i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize