im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize