In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
