i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
