im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
