Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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