I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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