bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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