I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
