You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
