i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
