On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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