We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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