So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
