Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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