i just sent this text using only my big toe
I cut my penus on the lid.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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