I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
