I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
